The Crazy Red Haired Lady, Kathryn Barajas-Bjork, originally posted her blog on her website https://crazyredhairedlady.blogspot.com/on Thursday, November 9, 2023. Her blog is a vulnerable, grief-filled, yet theraputic memoir of when she became a widow and suddenly lost her husband Pete over 14 years ago…
Crazy Lady Dialogues and Signs from Heaven
I have recently stumbled upon a new song. If you have been following me for a while now, you know my feelings about music. Especially songs that seem to say it all with just a few lyrics.
This song feels like a sign from heaven. If you haven’t heard it. Check it out. I feel Pete so much in this song. I feel him telling me he loves me. That he is still here. Yet, he also feels so far away. There are parts of this song that literally makes me want to turn it off and never listen to it again! But the message of this song is so powerful that I push through those lyrics and keep going. It’s a lot like grief in that way. Especially when you are in the thick of it. Those early days when each day was shitty
,but I kept pushing through because I knew there had to be something better.
Today is November 9th. 11 days until “the” day. I have a love hate relationship with November. Some days I love it and the next I hate it. So many good memories, events, and new beginnings. Yet so many devasting ones too. As with most angelversaries, some are harder than others. In past years I have known every second and every minute that counted down to that asinine day. I now take comfort in realizing that now I participate in the month of November. So much so that I lose track of the days and weeks that go by. It becomes just another month to live, to laugh. Mostly I only have a few days here and there where the countdown sneaks in. Sometimes it’s just a whispering of the second hand going around. While on other days, feel like the second hand has a microphone attached to it, and the amp is turned all the way up. For whatever reason, today is one of those loud days. And this song plays on repeat in my head. Especially the lyrics “It was too soon, when that part of you was ripped away. A grip taking hold. Like a cancer that grows. Each piece of your body that it takes.” Over and over like a slow madness.
It makes me angry. It makes me want to scream, yell, slam the door, then sink to the floor. In my tears, there is another very loud emotion. That I don’t think many of us talk about. It’s Embarrassment. Embarrassed that I still have these moments while shouting to myself… Um Hello? Crazy Lady? yeah, it’s been 14 years. Get over it already. I have this back and forth inner dialog in my head. Like each emotion is having its own conversation. Ya know the ones, Rational, Logical, and Emotional. That inner dialog goes something like this:
Get over it
-no, no, it’s called moving forward
Be happy look how far you have come. You are no longer in that space
-be sad. Be angry. its ok to have grief moments. they are only moments.
You should go outside for a walk. Breathe in the fresh air.
-I would really rather take a nap.
Enter loud song lyrics as if I am at a live Hozier concert
** “I would do it again, ah-ah, ah-ah, If I could hold you for a minute, darling I’d go through it again..”
Song fades away new thoughts come in.. what should I make for dinner.
-heart breaks again. pain in my gut. Sigh. look at the clock. and sigh some more.
This is madness. This is sanity. This is healing. This is grieving. This is life. I must be Crazy..
“Francesca” By Hozier
Do you think I’d give up
That this might’ve shook the love from me
Or that I was on the brink
How could you think darling I’d scare so easily?
Now that it’s done
There’s not one thing that I would change
My life was a storm
Since I was born
How could I fear any hurricane?
If someone asked me at the end
I’ll tell them put me back in it
Darling, I would do it again
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I’d go through it again
I would still be surprised I could find you, darling
In any life
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I would do it again
For all that was said
Of where we’d end up at the end of it
When the heart would cease
Ours never knew peace
What good would it be on the far side of things?
But it was too soon
When that part of you was ripped away
A grip taking hold
Like a cancer that grows
Each piece of your body that it takes
Though I know my heart would break
I’ll tell them put me back in it
Darling, I would do it again
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I’d go through it again
great taking a nap, listen to your body.
-I can’t I have shit to do. Those bills aren’t going to write themselves.
I would still be surprised I could find you, darling
In any life
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I would do it again
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love
Like you and I
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love
Like you and I
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love
Like you and I
The Crazy Red Haired Lady
The Crazy Red Haired Lady is a TTR Community Partner, an Animal Communicator, Psychic/Medium, Intuitive, Empath, Reiki Master, Integrated Energy Therapy, Blogger, and Creator of Organic and Reiki infused Baths, Teas, and Spritzers.
Please follow this link to read more Crazy Lady Blogs and learn more about Kathryn Barajas-Bjork: The Crazy Red Haired Lady – The Crazy Red Haired Lady,LLC.
Here is her contact info: thecrazyredhairedlady@gmail.com.
